i need to stop sitting on my bathroom floor. My hair is in wet ringlets, towel round my body and steam still covering the mirror. The lights are just about on, i can hear my brother doing something on the third floor of the house.  3 unread BB messages, j cole playing.

Today's been kinda weird, i walked home in the hail so at least it finally feels like winter. Skyped with reggie, called char about 4 million times as usual, tripped up the stairs, tripped down them.

I've never been afraid to show people all of me. but one thing i've been afraid of is vulnerability. I've only felt 100 % vulnerable once in my life. It was 2010, around March. I'd let my guard down completely, for the first time in my whole life. What made it worse was that i liked it. I find it weird that can one person can   make you smile or (do that weird goofy laugh thing) without actually intending to.

2011 has been a rollercoaster year, i lost the closest person to me ,the person who knew every inch of me.  After 18 years of relying on her, i was forced to put everything my mother taught me into action. I'm making my self vulnerable now, by typing all this out but i think to be vulnerable is exactly what i need. I ran back to somebody i knew could strengthen me, no idea why. But i did. & Now, I'm back there again. smiling for no reason, and thinking of him at times when i shouldn't. Life really is crazy, and it's unexplainable. All i know is how to be humble, and how to stay true. With nothing left to lose, I'm just going to feel what i feel. Cause if it makes you happy then it can't be that bad. life is a one time thing, and everyone who knows me knows that i intend to life mine with a smile on my damn face.

 But when you don't hear that voice for a long time, and even after a year(or two) it can still do the same thing it did to you back then. And amongst everything they do they can still make you smile. I have respect for the girls who hold their heads up and can be honest with themselves when they know they can't have the one that they love. It's those same girls who inspired me to write this post.

 So sure i can accept that we're going nowhere, so for one last time lets go there.